OVERVIEW

The most successful communicators ask questions and listen before presenting ideas or information. They listen in a way that leaves the speaker feeling heard. When listening, you should have the sole intention of deeply understanding the other person’s point of view. Good clarifying and confirming has three components:

Asking questioning (Clarifying)
Listening to the responses (Processing what you clarified)
Demonstrating understanding (Confirming)

CLARIFYING

Clarifying is a conversational tool that consists of asking questions when you are not sure you completely understand another’s idea. When clarifying, you are trying to build both a picture of what the other’s idea is and why it is important to him or her. To clarify, ask who, what, when, where, how, or why questions. You may also simply say, “Tell me more about…”

CONFIRMING

Once you believe you know the “what” and the “why” of another’s idea, check your understanding by repeating the idea back in your own words.

For example, if someone says to you, “I think we should have a team-building session. We have a lot of interpersonal issues that are unresolved in the team and it’s hurting performance.” You might confirm by saying, “So you’re saying that we can resolve some team issues by setting aside some time to work on them.” The what is having a team-building session. The why is to work out some team issues.

KEY IDEAS

It is important to note that confirming does not imply agreement or disagreement with the idea. It is simply validating understanding. When confirming, keep in mind these three tips:

Put the idea in your own words. Repeating a statement back exactly as originally stated is referred to as “parroting” and people may think you are mocking them.
Be brief. Your confirming statement is not a deep analysis and should be no longer than the original statement.
Don’t judge. Whatever your initial reaction to the idea, don’t let your emotions flavor your confirming statement. Your task is only to understand. You can respond to the idea after you confirm understanding.

WHEN TO CLARIFY & CONFIRM

There are a number of critical times to clarify and confirm. These include times when:

Your initial reaction is to reject, ignore, or disagree with someone’s idea. It is embarrassing to disagree only to find out later that you did not really understand another’s idea. Stay open-minded early on.
You are being tasked to do something. Confirming directions or instructions is a great way to improve effectiveness. It ensures that you will perform the task the way it has been requested.
You must make a decision. Confirm the facts before you make a decision in order to avoid having to change it later.